March 19, 2009 · Uncategorized

Tonight on my way home from work I was at a red light behind a black SUV with diplomat plates.  I started wondering how exactly you become a diplomat.  In my head, I envision diplomats as being fancy people who do nothing but schmooze and be schmoozed.  I think I would like that.  They probably get special privileges (like diplomat license plates) that let them do awesome things like go to the head of the line at six flags or get out of speeding tickets.

I started to examine the SUV to try and gather some intelligence about this diplomat.  I noticed a bumper sticker advertising that their kid attends a schmancy prep school in the area.  There was also a sticker for a college with a fancy sounding name.  Then I noticed the SUV itself.  It was a Hyundai Entourage.  That’s when the confusion set in.  If I were a diplomat I would surely hope that I had an entourage.  But not the wanna-be luxury SUV in front of me.  The kind of entourage where people follow you around and kiss your butt all day.  I think that sort of entourage would be pretty sweet.  This Entourage was not what I would expect from a diplomat.  Maybe an Escalade or a Cayenne.  A blacked out Suburban.  Maybe I’m a car snob, but it seemed odd to me that it costs them more per year to send their kid to school than to buy the SUV they were driving.  Maybe if the diplomat was Korean it would make sense, but they weren’t.  So as far as I can tell there is no excuse.  You’re a diplomat dammit.  Start acting like one.  Have some self respect.

Anyway, the light turned green so I pulled into the next lane to get side by side with the diplomat.  As far as I could tell there was no driver carting around the diplomat.  If I were a diplomat I’d have… well for starters a way cooler car.  I’m thinking either a DB9 or a Maybach.  I’d also have a driver.  And someone feeding me grapes.  I also noticed that the person driving the car wasn’t wearing any sort of sash declaring the fact that they are a diplomat.  I want a sash.  Kind of like Miss America, only more ostentatious.  Perhaps with some real diamonds and rubies spelling out “DIPLOMAT” in 4″ lettering.

I have to say that my run in with the diplomat was a bit of a disappointment.  Like finding out that Snuffy is a figment of Big Bird’s imagination, or that some people are lactose intolerant.  I really think that I could be a much better diplomat than the sash-less Hyundai driving diplomat I saw.  So if any of you know how to become a diplomat, or are in dire need of a diplomat please do not hesitate to contact me.  I think I would prove to be an excellent candidate for the job.

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