March 16, 2009 · Uncategorized

I’ve wanted to be many things in my life, most notably, a volcano. My mom enjoys telling people the story of me sitting on the family room floor with a blanket over my head pretending to erupt. I was fascinated with the idea of people living inside volcanoes, too young and naïve to realize that what happens on the Muppet Babies does not always translate to real life. I also considered being a lawyer, because I remember my parents complaining about how much money they had to hand over to an attorney when they bought a house. In a similar fashion, my husband will tell you that as a kid he aspired to be a gas station attendant because they always had a big wad of cash in their pocket.

I also was one of those kids that wanted to be an inventor and create something new and better and important. I was never happy with anything out of the box – there was always room for improvement. Even now I can’t leave well enough alone. I tinker with my cell phone, I modify my car – I can’t even make a recipe without adding to it. One of my favorite episodes of the Simpsons is when Homer decides that if Edison can invent something, why can’t he?  There’s no denying the important role that modern day inventions play in our lives.  I even recall an alcohol fueled Sophie’s Choice-esque discussion over which would you rather have – indoor plumbing or an iPod? (We decided that as long as the iPod is back lit, going to an outhouse won’t be so bad)

Late night television is full of dreams realized. Infomercials offer up for sale inventions to do everything from making your own beef jerky to covering up that embarrassing bald spot. I challenge you to find someone who can’t finish the phrase “Just set it and….”.  Chef Tony inspired us to fry in the microwave, and Vince encourages us to check out his nuts.

During a recent trip to the store, I discovered an invention in dire need of an infomercial, and fortunately for you, dear readers, I’ve decided to take on the task of scripting it.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you “The Pasta Plate”!!!!!!!

Who eats spaghetti without the sauce???

Who eats spaghetti without the sauce???

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Imagine if you will, the typical infomercial horror story….

(Shot in black and white)

A husband and wife are sitting at the dinner table in their drab kitchen attempting (and failing) to enjoy a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs. The husband twirls his fork into the plate of spaghetti, inevitably shooting a meatball into his lap and dumping the forkful of pasta down the front of his white oxford shirt and loosened tie. The wife – near tears – tries in vain to mop up the mess.

Cue voice-over: “Are you tired of ruining your clothing? Have you given up on serving your family spaghetti? Well with “The Pasta Plate” your worries are over!”

(Now shown in color)

A happy husband and wife with a well mannered boy and pigtailed girl happily twirl their spaghetti with “The Pasta Plate” and engage in an animated conversation about their day at school and work.

Voice-over: “Enjoy healthy and inexpensive pasta dinners with ease thanks to “The Pasta Plate”. Save money by serving restaurant quality Italian meals at home!”

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Right. Because owning a stupid twirly ceramic plate is suddenly going to make you a 4 star chef. Fortunately, this is not a dreaded “uni-tasker”. The exciting drawings on the packaging encourage you to use “The Pasta Plate” for hors d’ouvres and desserts. I wonder who actually buys an item such as this?  Is it the same people who buy t-shirts that read “Gimme the chocolate and no one gets hurt!” and have a poster of a kitten clinging to a tree branch that says “Hang in there!”?

There are many fantastic items up for sale destined to become house hold staples (George Foreman, I’m looking at you). Hell, I really really really want a “Graty” (but I can’t seem to bring myself to purchase the “Slap Chop” to get one). I’m also pretty sure that I only want the “Graty” because it’s really adorable.  But I’m quite certain that “The Pasta Plate” is destined for the dumpster. Much like the “Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express”.

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7 Comments to “Attention America: Your spaghetti woes are no more!”

  1. sara b says:

    let’s not ignore the fact that “easy swirl your pasta” is not a phrase with any kind of coherent structure.

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